Q To 12: Quantifying The Unquantifiable Sport of Calvinball

by Gavin Byrnes

What is the greatest sport ever invented? Not soccer, not basketball, not biathlon, not steeplechase, not croquet, not water polo. There have been many beloved sports and games in the history of this Earth, but none quite so glorious as Calvinball, where the only rule is that you can't play it the same way twice.



Since the rules are so haphazard and, in fact, deliberately constructed in opposition to organized sports, you would think that this would make Calvinball utterly outside the realm of statistical analysis. But if you think that'll stop me from trying, you must have touched the opposite pole. You're certainly not in the "Perimeter of Wisdom." Let's dive right into it.

I used the following site for references to strips containing Calvinball:
http://freewebs.com/calhobbes/calvinball.htm

Now for the fun part! That is, the "fun" part for me, which means the meticulous analysis of every detail of the gameplay of Calvinball. Why I am so willing to expend energy on this and yet can go weeks without sheets on my bed is a question best left to the philosophers. Anyway:

Strip 1: Calvin, holding a soccer ball, chases Hobbes, holding a flag, through the yard. Of course, they are both wearing masks. There are croquet wickets and signposts labeled "4" and "12". Calvin shouts that "if you don't touch the 30-yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot!"

Strip 2: Calvin steals Hobbes' flag, but Hobbes hits him with the Calvinball. Apparently this means that Calvin has to sing the "I'm very sorry" song and put the flag back. Calvin protests that he was in the "No Song Zone", but Hobbes touched the opposite pole, and you can guess what that means. Apparently this is the sort of thing you have to declare, but Hobbes "declared it oppositely" by not declaring it. After Calvin sings the Very Sorry Song, he would get "free passage to wicket five," but they can't play that way because they already did that once. The new rule is that they have to jump everywhere until someone finds the bonus box. After all this, the score is still Q to 12.

Strip 3: Calvin scores a goal by hitting a badminton birdie against a tree with a croquet mallet. Hobbes says the score is Oogy to Boogy, but Calvin says he already had Oogy. As they run, Hobbes tells Calvin that he has entered the invisible sector and has to close his eyes. Hobbes hits Calvin with the Calvinball and "gets another point." Calvin declares that Hobbes has run into the vortex spot and has to spin until he falls down, but Hobbes says the spot is in the boomerang zone which means that Calvin has to spin.

Strip 4: Calvin has apparently landed in the "Pernicious Poem Place," and has to get Susie to pour water on him. Hobbes enters the "Bag Flag Zone".

Strip 5: After attempting to play football, Calvin and Hobbes end up playing Calvinball. Calvin has a volleyball and a badminton racquet, Hobbes a croquet mallet and a hobby horse. There are wickets around.

Strips 6-14: The Rosalyn arc. Calvin sings the Calvinball song, and declares that everyone has to go in slow motion because he has the Calvinball. Rosalyn stumbles into the perimeter of wisdom, and decrees that Calvin has to catch a water balloon that she throws into the air. Calvin invokes the corollary zone so that if he catches the ball the thrower has to bend over and hold still. He catches it, but Rosalyn takes Hobbes prisoner. After he threatens to hit them both, she plays the "babysitter flag" and says that it's time to go inside.

I'm going to quantify this, damn it! In summary, by player:

Calvin:
Actions: Steals flag (positive), gets hit with the Calvinball (negative), sings very sorry song (negative), gets water poured on him from the pernicious poem place (negative), scores a goal with the mallet (positive), enters the invisible sector (negative), gets hit with the Calvinball (negative), has to spin around until he falls down (negative), acquires the Calvinball (positive), catches the water balloon (positive)
Total: 4 positive, 6 negative
Rules Decrees: 6 (3o-yard base wicket, No song zone, jump everywhere, vortex zone, slow motion, corollary zone)

Hobbes:
Actions: Loses flag (negative), Hits Calvin with Calvinball (positive), touches the opposite pole and declares it (positive), hits Calvin with Calvinball (positive), gets taken prisoner (negative)
Total: 3 positive, 2 negative
Rules Decrees: 5 (I'm very sorry song, opposite pole, invisible sector, boomerang zone, bag flag zone)

Susie:
Actions: Pours water on Calvin (positive)
Total: 1 positive, 0 negative
Rules Decrees: none

Rosalyn:
Actions: Enters perimeter of wisdom (positive), has her water balloon caught (negative), takes Hobbes prisoner (positive), hits Calvin with babysitter flag (positive)
Total: 3 positive, 1 negative
Rules Decrees: 2 (water balloon, babysitter flag)

Total quantifiable points:
Calvin, one goal
Hobbes, one point
Scores: Q to 12, Oogy to Boogy

So what do we get from all that?

Calvinball Power Rankings:

4. Susie Derkins

While Susie is successful in her only involvement with Calvinball, pouring a bucket of water on Calvin's head, she isn't really playing and that success might more appropriately be attributed to Hobbes, who declared the "Pernicious Poem Place" in the first place. Susie would probably get better with practice, but something tells me the members of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, of course) would probably not be very accomodating.

3. Calvin

Shockingly, the inventor and namesake of the game comes third in the rankings, as his ingenuity in making up rules simply can't make up for the fact that he usually ends up on the worse end of the game, whether by clever play from Hobbes (pernicious poem place, etc.) or even being hoist by his own petard, when his clever declaration of the vortex spot backfires when, alas, it's in the boomerang zone. Calvin also gets hit with the Calvinball more than any other player.

2. Rosalyn

Rosalyn only plays Calvinball once, but she gets the hang of it quickly, making some respectable decrees and even taking Hobbes hostage. Her use of the babysitter flag is inspired as well, as the only time Calvin accepts rules is during a game of Calvinball. It's pretty funny actually how he'll rail against even the most lenient of restrictions under any other circumstance, but Calvin plays by the rules in Calvinball to the point of volunteering to get water poured on his head, spinning until he falls down, and even going to bed on time. But even though Rosalyn has the best ratio of good events to bad events of the major players, she doesn't have the comeback ingenuity of...

1. Hobbes

The only reasonable choice for Calvinball MVP, Hobbes combines Rosalyn's good statistics with Calvin's inventive talents and adds in his own substantial charm and athleticism. He is a master of accuracy, twice hitting Calvin with the Calvinball, and his master stroke of declaring that he touched the Opposite Pole oppositely by not declaring it is the sort of brilliant gameplay that marks a true superstar. Hobbes' rule-making is also very strong, as he is quick to nullify Calvin's attempts to get out of punishment with the No Song Zone and Vortex Zone with his own adjustments. Only a rather weak performance against Rosalyn (Calvin accuses him of being captured because she is a girl, an accusation leveled when playing with Susie as well) is a blemish on his otherwise flawless record, but Hobbes overcomes it with several dominating matches.

I believe these are the only strips in which Calvinball is played. If I'm missing any, please let me know. It's so sad that one of the greatest inventions in comic strip history and, indeed, literary history, makes such a brief appearance in the canon. Long live Hobbes!